For weeks, and actually now a couple months I have been struggling to manage the emotional roller coaster of my first pregnancy. Not only am I dealing with this massive influx of hormones, but add stress to this and it does not paint a pretty picture. I find myself on the verge of a temper-tantrum or mental breakdown almost daily....my poor, loving, quiet, husband, you are a saint.
Early on in my pregnancy Neal and I found out I was pregnant with twins! We were terrified, and ecstatic at the same time. I didn't sleep a wink that night, after having such world rocking news. I could not stop thinking about the Sonographer mentioning the possiblity of "vanishing twin syndrome." Of course with my nerves already fried, I turn to Google. I find no relief, it is filled with mixed reviews, skewed results, absolutely nothing to put my mind at ease. My frazzled brain gets no relief. The scheduled follow-up ultrasound, to measure for gestational age and estimated due date is not for 2 weeks...also known as eternity! I spend 2 weeks trying to remain calm, which is a joke. I bounce from being terrified to being elated. I kept telling Neal and people that knew about the twins, "I don't think I would have ever hoped or wished for Twins but now that I have them both I don't want to lose one!" It's amazing how quickly you fall in love with your unborn babies, and how quickly you begin accommodating your life to the changes. I feel I was not sufficiently warned about this, yes of course we accommodate quickly when the baby arrives, but I had no idea how quickly for women it happens even before that! I promptly make space in my head and heart for both little babies.
The 2 week eternity is over, it is time for our ultrasound. I am a nervous wreck, I am practically crying before they even call my name to come back. Gripping Neal's hand we walk down the to the Sonography room, not really knowing what to expect. The unltrasound begins with BabyA measuring 6weeks and 3days, and a teeny tiny heartbeat. Instantly I start crying, I was sooooo relieved to hear that little heartbeat. The ultrasound technician takes a couple pictures, measures a few other things, then moves onto BabyB. BabyB measuring in at 8weeks and 1day and a quicker heartrate. Since I am new to all this I am still just feeling relieved, 2 babies, 2 heartbeats, I didn't think anything else of it. The ulstrasound technician then tells me that she is VERY concerned about BabyA's size. It feels like she said "very concerned" 1 Thousand times, and then reminded us of vanishing twin syndrome. Needless to say I left the appointment with no relief whatsoever, and in fact it only amplified my anxiety. We schedule our next 2 week eternity follow-up ultrasound, hands down the longest and worst 2 weeks of my life to date. It is at this point that I pretty much lose all excitement for being pregnant, any elation, happiness, joy or excitement I had was turned into fear, anger and dread. They had told us not to lose hope, and I tried not to but I was devastated. I couldn't talk about any of it without tears. Then of course I begin having the soul-searching questions, "why did I have to hear that teeny-tiny heartbeat?" "he or she will never know how much I loved them" "how can I be so distraught over someone I never met?" "is there anything I can do?"
Since we had for sure one healthy baby I thought I could bring back some of the excitement by telling people I was pregnant and experiencing their excitement. It didn't work, once I started talking about being pregnant all I wanted to do was explain what was really going on, but then I would cry and make dinner awkward for everyone, so I held back. I relied heavily on Neal for positivity and support. 2 weeks pass and we have our follow-up appointment. The ultrasound technician can not find a heartbeat for BabyA, he or she is gone. I am devastated I can't think about anything else, and I can barely see the ultrasound screen through all my tears. The technician asks "did you see it move?" Neal is over the moon excited to see BabyB moving around, wiggling and I hardly pay any attention I am too focused on the loss. Later that afternoon we meet with the OB, everything looks fine with BabyB, progressing just fine, looks healthy. Still upset about the loss I really didn't care, as painful as it is to admit. I spent the next couple weeks/month trying to figure out how you grieve the loss of one, and still get excited about the other? My answer is, you don't. I continued to not be excited about my pregnancy for about 5 weeks. I faked it for others because I didn't want their judgement, but to be perfectly honest I was not excited. Don't get me wrong I love BabyB, always have, but the joy and excitement was gone, and I was fearful it would not come back.
BabyB, I owe you an apology. I have always loved you, and the lack of excitement never had anything to do with you. I know that as time goes I will become more and more excited to be carrying you and creating you. The last couple months have been very difficult and I hope that when we meet you will forgive me. I am sorry if I made the first couple months of your life stressful but I promise it will get better. I can't wait to meet you and I am excited to have you in my life (and belly).
Love Always.
