Our Little Family

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I knew that statistically speaking, my Husband and my marital satisfaction would plummet when we had out first child.  The upside being that our Life Satisfaction would increase. I had mentally prepared myself for this, and did my best to prepare my husband.  I believe in what I have learned and studied, but now whole-heartedly disagree with this statistic, or I am gladly an outlier.

Starting a family has deepened our connection and commitment to our marriage.  We now have another person in our life to make us accountable to each other. Walter has certainly not made life "easier,"  it is stressful and confusing at times but having a family has most definitely made life better!  I believe that part of this is the willingness and flexibility to shift my definitions and expectations to be realistic of the situations we encounter as a new family.  Neal and I have both been able to be flexible with the ways life changes with a baby...probably because we are both middle children and thus making us AWESOME!

Not to mention the overwhelming amount of love in our home.  In the first months having Walter home it was incredibly overwhelming, it does not bring me to tears as often.  At one point a few months ago I told Neal, "we are going to have to have a second child, this feeling has to be dispersed among more than one...I will smother poor Walter."  I still agree...it needs to be spread among more than one. Hopefully we will be lucky enough to expand our family in the future.

Walter Steven Krieger

*originally drafted 7 months ago*

8 lbs, 5 oz, 21.5 inches

I have avoided this blog post because I just don't even know where to begin, or which direction to take.  Do I make it funny? serious? scary? tear-jerker?...ultimately I decided on love because that it was I feel most often. I love Walter, I love Neal, and I love our little family. 

As I do with all overwhelming feelings I cried...a lot.  Just gazing at this beautiful, little, teeny, miniature version of my husband could bring me to tears.  It still can, not quite as easily since most of those hormones have left my body...FINALLY.  I think I cried every day, multiple times a day for the first couple weeks after coming home from the hospital.  I got the "baby blues" talk, but I never really felt down, it was just an overwhelming sense of love and responsibility.  Certainly the exhaustion can wear you thin, but still the feeling I found to be most overwhelming was love. I am fascinated by this love daily and often out of the blue, turn to Neal and ask, "can you believe this? look at him."  He is everything I never imagined and is somehow exactly what belongs in our family.  Of all the feature concoctions I came up with in my head, I could have never created him...I was SURE he was going to have dark hair!  I joke that it is upsetting that you carry a baby for 9 months and how disappointing it is to have them arrive looking just like the Dad, but secretly I love that he looks just like his Dad.  Probably because I love his Dad so much, but little do people know he is not exactly like Neal...he has my toes!

Personality wise a lot still remains to be discovered, but I can tell you a few things about him.  Walter is a pretty serious fellow, who knows what he wants, and is not afraid to let you know about it.  Don't ever let your guard down, his feelings changes quickly and with little to zero warning, most often zero warning.  This was rather distressing the first couple weeks home, especially for the late night feedings.  There was no warning, no whimpers, no stirring, no suggestion that he would be waking, just dead silence to screaming! And when I say screaming, well he takes after his mother in volume and not his father.

I Am A Very Patient Person, Until I Am Not

One of my professors in Grad School would use the framework of this statement often, to encourage us to find grace in moments when we are not the best versions of ourselves.  To be humbled by experiences when we neglect our values and make a decision that does not always represent what we truly believe. This could not be any more fitting than to represent the last couple of weeks.  I am a very patient person, I value patience, I have been complimented on my patience and I take pride in this ability.  I can wait in line for hours, in a waiting room, or for a visitor.  But the last couple weeks have been a very real test of my patience and I continuously fail, nearly every day. 

People warn you of how long and awful the last month of your pregnancy will be, but I have found like with most experiences related to pregnancy it is not something you can actually fathom until you are in it. I continued to be in denial of this up until about December 23rd.  I was sick for a few weeks with the flu, then the stomach flu, and a cold, so being just pregnant was a relief once the other ailments subsided.  I had been hoping for a Christmas Baby, I knew it was a long shot that he would arrive a little over a week early, but I couldn't help it.  Of course Christmas came and went, and that began the countdown to the actual due date, January 3rd, and I was sure he would be on time!  Just certain!  Here we are 3 days after and still no lilbabykins!  I find myself crying daily, for one reason or another....because I don't want to get out of bed to pee AGAIN, because I am tired, cranky and GIGANTIC, because I just want to meet him SOOOOO badly, because every time I call someone they think something is happening....the reasons to cry at this point in my life are endless!

Which brings me back to my original statement, I am a very patient person, until I am not.  I am tired of waiting, and honestly I just don't feel like waiting any longer.  I am too excited to be patient!  Every night is a major let down, as I go to bed, another day has come and gone and still no little bundle of joy.  Gentle reminders of, "how close I am to the end," are not comforting.  Because unless I go into labor the insist that sentiment comes out of someone's mouth, it is still too long!  So, I am giving myself grace, and allowing myself for the time being to let go of my patience, one day it will return.